If you’re wondering if your relationship is in trouble, that’s a sure sign something is “off” and worthy of investigation and recalibration. But that doesn’t mean it has to be the end!
Modern society has us convinced that, like everything else, relationships can be disposable. And, sure — they can be. But what about those couples that make it to 50+ years? Well, they grew up in a different time where things were about long term gain, like a retirement plan. Maybe they were shown how to work through difficulties together, supported by their families and community. Or maybe they worked things out along the way. What I do know is they’ve faced some really hard times and have come out on the other side, stronger and often closer than ever. Love, in relationship, is a marathon.
Facing relationship challenges nowadays can seem daunting. As a Gen-Xer, I can see how I was not only influenced by my parents’ relationship, but also TV, movies, and even music. Those mournful country songs that played on the radio as Dad drove me home spoke of nothing but heartache, and dysfunctional relationship and family dynamics were all over the TV. I remember there were “special episodes” where characters actually talked about their feelings and worked through difficult conversations together.
All this is to say — most of us weren’t taught to have healthy, functioning relationships (much less ones that thrive). So, in that context, you’re totally normal and welcome to the club.
How do you know if the end is near?
(Again, if you catch yourself asking this question, it’s a sure sign that you’re heading there and have some work to do.)
- You feel lonely, unhappy, or unfulfilled in your relationship.
- You wonder “is this all there is?” and feel more like roommates or parental teammates than romantic partners.
- You find yourself thinking about other people (and you’re typically a monogamous person) and/or you’re keeping secrets from your partner about a friend whom you share an emotional bond with (aka: having an emotional affair).
- You notice yourself having a lot of negative thoughts about your partner and your relationship, and have difficulty remembering the good things.
- There’s little-to-no physical connection or a desire for it, though you believe yourself to be a physically loving person and crave intimacy in that way.
- You believe your relationship is one-sided, you’re doing all the work, and perhaps have “outgrown” your partner. You feel unsupported, unaccepted, and/or misunderstood.
- You’ve been “sticking it out” for way too long, or staying together “for the kids”.
- You live your life, and they live theirs. Maybe, you look for reasons to avoid them.
The good news is: IT’S NOT TOO LATE! As long as you and your partner have the desire to regain what was once yours, and you’re willing to put in the work together — it’s possible to overcome these challenges.
I’m going to be honest with you, not all relationships are meant to work out. Sometimes, splitting up really is the best choice for all involved. But if there’s a possibility of the two of you clearing the road for a better relationship, isn’t that worth the effort?
Going through a divorce was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Sure, I can look back and put a positive spin on all I experienced during the year before and the year after my divorce. Loads of good lessons and gratitudes about that time. But to be brutally honest — it was so deeply painful for all of us, including my kids, and I’d like to help prevent that for others if I can. (It’s why I became a Love Coach!)
If you see any of these warning signs, or feel close to being “done”, please ask for support before it’s too late. Counselors, coaches, and even most ministers can help. If you’d like to just see if there’s anything left to salvage, let’s chat. As an Alchemy Love Coach, I know how profoundly love can heal and transform.
Sometimes love dives in and does the work of deconstruction and reconstruction. Sometimes love works hard at letting go.
I’m happy to support you in any way.
